I've Never Stopped Thinking of You
by Lyziebell
Summary: When realization hits, Reim is forced to confront himself, his substitution, and the loss of the person he loves.


A/N FYI: this is kind of a song fic so the **Bold** is the song Lyrics (Thinking of You by Katy Perry) and the _Italics_ is the letter being written.

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><p>Reim panted as firm hands gripped his hips. The person behind him moaned his name with each thrust, but Reim couldn't bring himself to return the action. He was almost relieved when Gil finished and collapsed next to him. He ran his hand down the scar across the other man's chest. It was wrong, but Reim couldn't help it, he just needed another body to be next to him, another body inside of him, another body to replace the one that was missing.<p>

Gil pressed his lips, sleepily against his, but it wasn't enough. Reim forced his way into Gil's mouth, tongues sweeping in exploration of this now familiar area of the other. Gil broke away, slightly out of breath, and smiled. He pulled Reim against his body and soon was sleeping.

Once he was sure that Gil could not be woken he slid carefully from the grip of the other man. He wrapped a robe around his thin and lanky body. He glanced both ways down the hallway before rushing to his room.

He stumbled in the dark to the desk in the corner of the room and nearly fell into the seat. His breath was quick and unsteady. He tried to calm himself, but it did little good. With a shaking hand he pulled a notebook from the hutch and slid the pen his precious someone had given him across the desk. He lit the lamp on the fourth try, his fingers did not seem to want to work, opened the journal to an empty page, and ran his palm along the crease making sure it would not close as he picked the pen up and ran a trembling hand through his hair.

He readjusted his glasses on his nose, took a deep, ragged breath, and bought the pen to the page.

_Dearest Xerxes,_

_There are so many things I wish I could say to you, but I know that will never happen. I just have to get these words out or they may kill me. So please... Just... _

He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He shook his head and decided to move on to the next.

_**Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection. Like an apple hanging from a tree, I picked the ripest one, but I still got the seed.**__ Remember when we first met and you were trying to reopen the wound that was your eye. Remember how much you hated me, hated everyone. I remember how I thought you were so tragically beautiful with the sunlight glistening off your white hair and the blood on your face. Do you remember?_

_Do you remember how I tried so hard to be friends with you, but you didn't want anyone to get close. Wasn't it funny how eventually, even though it seemed like nothing changed, we became friends. No, we became more than that. Remember how you would kiss my neck while I tried to finish your paperwork. How about that time you stole my schedule book and wrote your name on every page? _

_You always liked to make me worry, didn't you, Xerx? You were always running out to do Pandora business even when you knew you weren't strong enough anymore, even though your body was breaking down, even though we all worried about you. _

_And despite all of that..._

_You were prefect._

_**You said move on... Where do I go? **__Xerx, I'm lost without you. I stumble around blindly. It's like I'm not here anymore. It's like when you held my hand and told me those words I started dying with you._

_I started seeing Gilbert, you remember Gil, right? Of course you do. You tormented him and enjoyed every second of it. Sometimes I think we are only together because we both love you, because we both miss you, because he reminds me of you. But he will never be you. __**I guess second best is all I will know. Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you, **__always __**thinking of you. What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night...**_

_And when I look into his golden eyes, __**Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes.**__ I wish I was staring into that crimson eye and that I could see it staring back. Even after you lost your sight I know you still saw me, Darling._

_There was a way, that no matter what, you could make me feel like I was home. Somehow you could always make me feel warm. __**You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter. **_

_I remember how I always thought that you were __**like a hard candy**__ that you loved some much, but one __**with a surprise center.**_

_**How do I get better once I've had the best? **__Remember how right after you asked to me move on __**You said there's tons of fish in the water**__. I didn't forget __**so the waters I will test.**__ And I am trying, Xerx, but no one is you. No one can hold me the way you did. No one can make me feel like you did. No one can draw that sweet sound that you loved from my lips. It was only you and I think it always will be. __**He kissed my lips... I taste your mouth**__. I taste the painfully sweet of you. I think you always ate candy, Beloved, because you needed to keep yourself tasting so damn much like sugar. _

_I am trying to take your advice and find someone new, but when __**he pulled me in I was disgusted with myself.**__ I just can't. I hate it when someone who isn't you touches me, looks at me, kisses me, sleeps with me._

_**You're the best, and yes, I do regret how I could let myself let you go. Now the lesson's learned, I touched it, I was burned, **__but damn it, Xerx, I would love being burned if it was by you._

_I want you. I want you all the time. I can't handle it. No one can satisfy this longing. Xerx, my Love, I love you. I still love you. I don't care that you're dead. __**Oh won't you walk through**_

_**and bust in the door and take me away? Oh no more mistakes**__, Darling._

_It can only be you and I can't lie to myself any longer._

_I hope you understand that I can't move on, not from you, there is nowhere to go. You are the only one and there can never be another._

_I will always love you._

_I still love you._

_I still live with the pain of you not being here every second._

_I need you with me, Beloved. Why aren't you here? Why did you have to go before me?_

_Remember that time you thought I was dead after Lily Baskerville nearly killed me? Remember how you told me that you couldn't accept that I was gone and when you tried it felt like someone had ripped a hole in your heart. Remember how you said you felt like you couldn't breathe because every time you did you felt like you were betraying me, betraying my memory._

_That's how I feel... all the time... ever since you left._

_I love you. Always. Forever. Only you._

_Your Precious One,_

_Reim _

Reim smeared the ink as he tried to wipe away the tears seeping into the pages. He leaned back, brought his knees to his chest, and looked at the ceiling. Everything in this room reminded him of Break, the bed, the walls, the floor, the portraits, the small table, the glass on the night stand, this desk and chair. He reached out and picked up Break's Emily doll and pressed it to his chest, it was one of the few things he left behind for Reim to hold on to. He sighed. She had been silent since the second Break stopped breathing. What Reim wouldn't do to hear her rude, course, mouth give him a few words. Anything to relieve this emptiness.

He brushed his tears away with his too-long sleeves and closed the book gently.

"I miss you." He whispered to the doll, but they both knew who he was talking to. He sat her down lovingly on top of the journal and retreated to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

Just as he was closing the door the wind whipped the curtain of his window and he could swear he heard that sweet voice in the breeze

"I will always love you. I miss you too."

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><p>[3]<p> 


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